ya dads aren't the best wingmen
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
