well you can't waste a boner
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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