is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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