i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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