so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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