I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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