There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
