if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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