Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
