How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
