so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
