The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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