Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
