we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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