Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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