Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
