How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
