As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
