I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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