u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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