I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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