its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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