awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
