Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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