i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
