I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
