saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
