so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
