I think I died a long time ago.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
