Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
