Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Houston, we have a blender
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
