Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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