not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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