why didn't you poke me back
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
