Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
