Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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