The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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