Only a mothe r could love this liver
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
