Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
