I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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