Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
