He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
