if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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