If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
