I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
