I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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