She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
