i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
