shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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