She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
