Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
