life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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